why? because society said so.

ironing... i hate it. it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin and never return again. why do i have to leave the house with clean, pressed clothes? because society said so. 

washing my hair. the washing of it i dont mind, its the drying, straightening and everything else that goes along with it that i really cant be bothered with. it feels like such a task to wash your hair when you have a demanding 5 month old. why do i do it? because society said i cant go out looking like a stray turkish cat.

keep my house clean. well why cant i just never tidy up. i mean, i do love having a tidy house but its like i spend the day cleaning then i go into a different room for 5 seconds, come back in and the place looks like its been hit by a bomb. its unfair. i dont even know where the mess comes from. its like it actually grows out of the walls or something.

there are so many pressures put on people (especially women) in our society today. there are so many expectations and everyone seems to judge you even if they dont know you. i'll admit i do it myself. if i see someone in  the street and they look like they haven't showered for 6 years and they smell like a dead seahorse i do make judgement. i think to myself 'really, take some pride in yourself'. is that what people think when they look at me? when i dont have the energy to brush my hair and put on some mascara. but its unfair, i feel like as a woman i have to face some weird, messed up stereotype. i have to always have my makeup done, my hair perfectly cut and coloured, nails done and just generally be well groomed all the time. gone are the days when mothers can just go out in jogging bottoms, a holey t shirt and have their hair tied up with spaghetti hanging out it... i want to go out with spaghetti in my hair.

on the up side - me and raymond made some awesome ass bread at 3am this morning. check it out!

yes. it was 3am - thats why i look like this!

raymond and his new found love

never grow up.

as i sit here waiting for my bread to be ready, its 2.05am and recently its at times like this that i tend to do most of my thinking. i think about esme mostly. about what i want for her in life, about how i never want to lose any of the memories i have of her, how i want to make so many memories with her. i want her to stay forever perfect, forever young, forever innocent. i know she will be forever beautiful and i know that no matter what, no matter how tall or old she is she will always be my baby girl. there's a taylor swift song called never grow up and it puts me in mind of esme. some of the lyrics are:

your little hands wrapped around my finger,
and its so quiet in the world tonight,
your little eyelids flutter cause your dreaming,
so i tuck you in, turn on your favourite night light
to you everythings funny, you got nothing to regret,
i'd give all i have honey,
if you could stay like that

oh darling dont you ever grow up,
dont you ever grow up, just stay this little,
oh darling dont you ever grow up,
dont you ever grow up, it could stay this simple,
i wont let nobody hurt you, wont let no one break your heart,
and no one will desert you,
just try to never grow up, never grow up

thats just the first verse and chorus - oh how i wish we never had to grow up...

this is her beautiful smile that greets me every morning when i look into her crib <3

 

and this is her happy chocolate face!! hmm, am i a bad mother....?

p.s. on a slightly awesome note, my bread smells AMAZING and it looks pretty good too.

fishy friday

fishy friday. thats right - i had a fish pedicure today! what a strange experience this was. for those of you who dont know (which will be many as i dont tend to tell many people this) i have a slight phobia of fish. they creep me out. simple. well, as i was sitting there it finally hit me that there was a wee tank of fish just waiting to bite my feet off and this terrified me! i just couldn't do this. so i sat there for about 5 minutes but then the assistant told me she was starting the timer anyway so i bravely dunked my feet in. my initial reaction was to yank them out - this was totally unnatural, not to mention extremely tickley, but i stuck it out for 15 minutes. i have to say that by the time my 15 minutes were up i wanted another 15 so thats exactly what i did!

i have to say - it was worth it and i cant wait for my next fishy friday!

stress.

stress. its a killer. i really, honestly, truly hate it. well maybe hate is not a strong enough word - i think detest is probably more appropriate. i will warn you this is a rant so if you dont want to hear about it then just skip now. 

esme really knows how to get my back up sometimes. dont get me wrong i love her and wouldnt be without her but she has cried from 9am till 2pm today and i really dont think i knew what hit me. there has been a lot of tears both mine and hers. a lot of different emotions and frustration and at 2pm she finally fell asleep however i will have to continue this rant another day as its 2.30pm and there are more tears coming from the bedroom - not a very long nap.

please keep me in your prayers... i'll most definitely need them.

a letter for esme

okay, so i know its not the best thing to think about but for some reason this plays on my mind - what if something happened to me? what if i didnt get to see esme grow up? what would i miss out on? her first words, her baptism, her wedding day, her children... i know all these things are way in advance but life goes by so quickly that its frightening and lets be honest, you never know what is around the corner. what would i say to her the second before she was about to walk down the isle on the morning of her wedding? what comfort and advice would i give her if she is ever in doubt about something? would i be the kind of mother that would be able to support her in everything that she does? will i grow more patient with her the older she gets? what would our relationship be like in 10 years time? will she remember all the wrong things i did and forget all the right things? i know it may sound silly but its things like this that cross my mind before i go to sleep at night. will she know how much i love her if im not around to tell her...

id like to think so. i know i need to be more patient, more loving, more gentle and kind but the good thing is that because i know what i need to be better at it means that i can take the correct steps to ensure that i am becoming a more patient, loving, kind person and a better mother. so this is what i would say to my baby girl if i wasnt around to tell her tomorrow:

my dearest esme,

i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. you are my world. i want you to know that you are so precious and incredible to me, i want you to always reach your potential. you are such a joy and a blessing in my life and you bring me such happiness and laughter every single day. your smile could light the world so you need to let it shine. please sweetheart, be kind, patient, loving, loyal, friendly, bubbly, smart, honest, happy and true to yourself but more importantly just be yourself - dont you ever hide away. you are so beautiful. i want to be with you and share every moment of your life. i want to laugh with you and cry with you. i want to wipe away your happy tears and your sad tears. please follow the Prophet, study your scriptures and pray. you are entitled to so many blessings and you are such a special daughter of God. find a worthy man that can take you to the Temple and be sealed to you. you deserve this. serve the Lord and please be a better person than me. always speak words of kindness and respect. work hard and serve others but remember that in order to serve we not only have to provide service but we have to accept it too. when i think about just how much i love you it makes me want to cry. i love you so much that i feel like my heart is going to explode! every day you amaze me more and more and i love you more and more every day. there is so much that i want to be able to say to you but i just cannot find the right words to express how much you mean to me. i cant wait for the day that i can take you to the Temple, i want to be there for your sealing, i want to see you have beautiful children and i want to see that fantastic mother that i know you will be but before all that i want to see you walk, talk, be baptised, give your first talk in sacrament, bear your testimony. i want to see you on the morning of your very first day of school. i want to hear about your teachers and your friends. i want to know all your favourites and memorise the smell of your hair and the touch of your skin. sometimes i want to just pause time and capture a single moment with you forever. just always remember that no matter what the Lord is only a prayer away and He will always be there for you and so will i.

i love you. all my love forever and always.

mummy xxx

a woman's work is never done.... but a man's clearly is!

its 1am... im exhausted and raymond is asleep on the couch cause he claims to be tired. i wish i had a day like his. its not that he doesn't work hard cause he does - after all he 'brings home the bacon' so to speak. but you know, he gets his morning break and then his lunch break and then maybe even an afternoon break too, who knows! this has been my day so far (it was an easy one).

it all started about 9am when i arose from bed (and what a nice wee snooze it was may i add), about 10 minutes after that esme woke up. i went into the bedroom, played with her till about 9.30 (give or take 5 minutes), came into the living room, fed her - that took me up till about 10.30. shortly after that i lay her on her play mat so i could get some house work done - she had other ideas. i managed to get the bed made and then had to come into the living room to get her and keep her entertained. i played with her, read her a story book and i fed her again about 11.45, just in time for lunch as she wont eat her lunch if she is too hungry, she fed will about 12.00 then happily played till about 12.20 at which point i put her lunch on so it was ready and cooled by 12.30. 12.30 came and went and she then sat in her high chair eating a rusk till 1.00. dum dum dum - the dreaded nap time :( i spent just under an hour getting her to nap. she napped till about 2.40 during which time i cleaned the bathroom and finished the kitchen and living room. so she got up and i fed her yet again. about 3.10 i caught up on some ironing while esme watched some playhouse disney - mickey mouse and your wee club house, I LOVE YOU!! thank you for letting me get ironing done :) this took me till about 4.00 so i then put on esme's dinner and let it cool till about 4.10. fed her and let her play about till about 5.00 then she was screaming so i gave her another boob just to calm her down and it worked like a charm. raymond got in from work about 5.40 with some beautiful flowers and chocolates. i put tea on, before i knew it it was esme's bath time, bathed her, fed her and put her down to bed. had a shower - can i relax? dont think so. during the day i had been doing washing - i think i may have put on about 5 loads so this all had to be hung up and dried, dinner dishes done and then about 11pm i started on esme's bedroom - raymond helped pack away her things. we came through to the living room back of 12 to grab a yoghurt and then about 12.30 he declared he was tired and going to sleep. i unloaded the washing machine about 12.50 and put on another load. i now want my bed (and a day like raymonds!!)

im kerplunked.

isn't weaning fun!

i have started the weaning process with esme and let me tell you - i've never in my entire life seen so much mess from one little person!! its actually ridiculous. she seems to have on and off days where for one whole week she loves her food and then suddenly she gives you this look of "dont think so. you're not sticking that in my mouth" it can get frustrating but i just look at the fun memories it will create and not at the horrendous pile of laundry i have to do, besides laundry is what husbands are made for... isnt it?

just last week i thought i would try her out with some spinach and cheese concoction. well let me tell you thats the last time she's ever getting that! just as i put it in her mouth she decided it was time for a sneeze and it went everywhere. to make matters worse its bright green, looks like some weird snot or poop and wont come out of anything - even on a 90 wash. any ideas how to get it out?! i sure dont. today was fun too as so much of it seemed to end up in her hair. how it got there i have no idea.

sleeping...

were trying to get her into a routine of sleeping at night which means that raymond and myself dont sleep at night. thats fun. our health visitor rosie said that by 5 months she should be sleeping through the night but she tends to get up once or twice for a small feed then goes back down again. rosie said the best way to break this cycle is just for raymond to get up, put her dummy in, make no interaction with her and then just come back to bed. apparently its not good for me to do it because she associates me with food so poor raymond was up and down all last night. lunch time naps are still a little difficult for me and she just doesn't want to do them so its crying from about 1.00 till 2.00 then she sleeps for about 40 minutes. well, im trying my best.

p.s. i've officially given up on bibs.