okay, so i know its not the best thing to think about but for some reason this plays on my mind - what if something happened to me? what if i didnt get to see esme grow up? what would i miss out on? her first words, her baptism, her wedding day, her children... i know all these things are way in advance but life goes by so quickly that its frightening and lets be honest, you never know what is around the corner. what would i say to her the second before she was about to walk down the isle on the morning of her wedding? what comfort and advice would i give her if she is ever in doubt about something? would i be the kind of mother that would be able to support her in everything that she does? will i grow more patient with her the older she gets? what would our relationship be like in 10 years time? will she remember all the wrong things i did and forget all the right things? i know it may sound silly but its things like this that cross my mind before i go to sleep at night. will she know how much i love her if im not around to tell her...
id like to think so. i know i need to be more patient, more loving, more gentle and kind but the good thing is that because i know what i need to be better at it means that i can take the correct steps to ensure that i am becoming a more patient, loving, kind person and a better mother. so this is what i would say to my baby girl if i wasnt around to tell her tomorrow:
my dearest esme,
i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. you are my world. i want you to know that you are so precious and incredible to me, i want you to always reach your potential. you are such a joy and a blessing in my life and you bring me such happiness and laughter every single day. your smile could light the world so you need to let it shine. please sweetheart, be kind, patient, loving, loyal, friendly, bubbly, smart, honest, happy and true to yourself but more importantly just be yourself - dont you ever hide away. you are so beautiful. i want to be with you and share every moment of your life. i want to laugh with you and cry with you. i want to wipe away your happy tears and your sad tears. please follow the Prophet, study your scriptures and pray. you are entitled to so many blessings and you are such a special daughter of God. find a worthy man that can take you to the Temple and be sealed to you. you deserve this. serve the Lord and please be a better person than me. always speak words of kindness and respect. work hard and serve others but remember that in order to serve we not only have to provide service but we have to accept it too. when i think about just how much i love you it makes me want to cry. i love you so much that i feel like my heart is going to explode! every day you amaze me more and more and i love you more and more every day. there is so much that i want to be able to say to you but i just cannot find the right words to express how much you mean to me. i cant wait for the day that i can take you to the Temple, i want to be there for your sealing, i want to see you have beautiful children and i want to see that fantastic mother that i know you will be but before all that i want to see you walk, talk, be baptised, give your first talk in sacrament, bear your testimony. i want to see you on the morning of your very first day of school. i want to hear about your teachers and your friends. i want to know all your favourites and memorise the smell of your hair and the touch of your skin. sometimes i want to just pause time and capture a single moment with you forever. just always remember that no matter what the Lord is only a prayer away and He will always be there for you and so will i.
i love you. all my love forever and always.
mummy xxx
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