morning sickness... morning my ass!

aargh, id like to say im able to keep my head out of the toilet at least one day a week but im afraid its just not possible :( its just not fair, why was it not this bad with esme?? is it because its second time round its just twice as bad?? recently i keep asking the question 'why do i have to go through this'. i know its a selfish question but i think everyone is entitled to be a little selfish once in a while. so, i ask this question on a daily basis and ive come to realise that its just so we can love our babies more! not that someone who doesnt have sickness loves their babies any less! but it is without a doubt very difficult. its like labour, we have to go through the pain and it makes us love our babies more (again, not that someone who has had a section loves their baby any less!) but really, how many people would endure that kind of pain for someone they didnt love with all their heart, might, mind and strength.

i think it was a silly man that named it 'morning sickness'. some people just dont have a clue!

ive been doing a lot of research into morning sickness and nausea and how to prevent it. here are some things ive learned:

- stop whining about it, its not making it any easier and doesnt exactly help the people around you (especially your poor husband who has to listen to you droan on about it!)
- eat whenever your not filled with nausea. even if its just something little.
- get preggy pops! im sorry, ive still not invested in them but ive heard they are little miracle workers.
- keep up the fluids (obvious, i know but difficult when they're coming out of both ends at times... gross.)
- always have crackers at your bedside table. something that worked very well with esme however i did get sick of rich tea biscuits after a while.
- avoid spicy food. doesnt exactly help the heart burn either!
- always have a fridge full of yoghurts. if you cant stomach anything you can always stomach a good yoghurt!
- pray. it always helps, even if its just temporary.
- have a midnight snack if you get up, just some crackers or toast. nothing too heavy but at least it stops you feeling so sick in the morning.
- have your husband take your daughter in the morning when she gets up. this then gives you some time to get up without rushing.
- try laughing about your misfortune, remember there is always going to be someone less fortunate than yourself out there.
- and finally, dont moan about the fact that you've but weight on while spilling up your guts, you are carrying another life after all and isnt that the best thing in the world :)

i cant wait for my first trimester to be over and done with!!

the work of a mother.

this week we were luck enough to have raymond for one whole extra day! to me, this was a god send :) ive been struggling alot with morning sickness and i am really tired all the time. poor esme is suffering because every time i go to stand up or do something i end up with my head down a toilet and its really not very fair on her. i try my best, i honestly do but sometimes i just struggle. i seem to remember the whole pregnancy thing being easier first time round.

esme has been extremely difficult for the past few days, shes normally great but over the weekend she seemed to develop some kind of little attitude! ive found that ive been tested in so many ways i haven't felt before but when i get to a point where all i want to do is either break down or get frustrated or angry ive learned in the past year that the best thing to do is just to get on my knees, pray and then take a 5 minute time out and then everything seems to be fine (until the next time). i feel that ive grown so much not only in the past year but in the past month and do you know what, when im having a really rough time, when ive said prayer after prayer and i know im still being tested, theres one thing at never fails to help me progress and be a better mother (even if its only for a moment) this is my safety net.

http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages#p/search/1/WbYLKVgwztY

i hope you can enjoy it as much as i do. i feel so overwhelmed whenever i watch it <3

i am so thankful for the opportunity i have to be with esme, i love her so much. she is my world. i know shes going to make a wonderful big sister! she teaches me so many things, when im feeling down she never fails to impress me, its like she can sense it. she is so gentle, kind and loving. i am so thankful that i am sealed to her and to my family for time and all eternity.

i'm back!

its been a while since ive blogged, i feel so bad because its such a good therapy for me and ive been a little stressed recently. life has been so hectic since my last post in april and i cant believe its september already!! where has the time gone?! our baby girl is going to be ONE in 2 weeks and its so hard to believe. so things that have happened...

we spent a month in utah (it was great, i really miss the people, the sun and the food!)
we redecorated and about time too, the old decor was really starting to bug me.
we got a new suite!! yay.
esme is now sleeping in her own bedroom AND all through the night.
esme has stopped breastfeeding and is now onto a bottle of cows milk (starting tonight).
esme is crawling and standing by herself but has yet to take her first step alone, i dont think it will be too long however.
and esme has 6 teeth!! shes getting so big so fast <3
i cant think of anything else at the moment but im sure theres plenty!! here is a few pictures from the past few months that id like to share with you :)

esme and daddy - first morning in utah

she didnt like the lemon!

swimming pool

brandts wedding

brandt and alexis

esme and bethany

esme and mummy in america

her first ever softball game with bethany and wilford woodruff

at the swimming pool in price

condom head!

esme and bethany

castle dale days picture

first try of sour patch kids!

on the way to st george

vegas baby!

more vegas

family picture in vegas

wow, life is BUSY!

what a past few weeks its been, i mean its been an amazing 2 weeks but man am i exhausted! were finally home after a week at the temple and a week in glasgow visiting family. i love my family, they are awesome :)

the temple was incredible and to take esme for the first time was even better and she just adored every minute of it. i need to thank my mumma who took esme for a few hours so raymond and i could get into the temple. as soon as we got to the temple esme was jumping about with excitement, she was like a wee jitterbug!! she actually makes me laugh so much and now that she is just over 7 months she has become this tiny little person with a huge personality, she knows exactly what she wants and what she doesnt, she loves acting shy until you get to know her and she just smiles all the time, she makes me life complete (although its safe to say that i dont say that at 4am)

after the temple we went back to glasgow to spend a little time with my family, raymond came back to aberdeen so it was a quiet week without him but esme was so excited to see her daddy again!! esme had her first time at the park, in the ball pool (which she didnt like too much) and there was plenty of sunshine so we were out and about all the time. easter was amazing and esme was so spolied! getting gifts from everyone, its such a shame though that she didnt get any chocolate eggs - i was kinda hoping for an easter treat!! i loved being with my family but what can i say, its nice to be home :)

learning to walk

she loved the shoot at softplay

mmm... milkybar!!

clap - clap a handys 

with her great papa

esme, shy - i dont think so!!

she is so flippin' cute i could eat her - easter sunday outfit

believe it or not, this is a white chocolate duck

nom nom 

haha monkey face!! 

off to the park

on the swings

its not obvious but she was occasionally laughing on the swings!

we <3 the summer

with nana bella

waving ta ta

all the ups with no downs

sometimes i like a little moan but not today, today i just love my life! it feels so perfect and this is how i want it to always stay. me and esme had a fun morning playing, reading and singing nursery rhymes. i did some laundry and housework then we went out to meet raymond for lunch. it was a nice lunch and we both had a panini although i have so say that raymonds was way nicer so i was kind of jealous. i then did a little bit of shopping and came home.

esme gets her dinner at 4 and its always a fun occasion! she has just learned how to blow bubbles and she just loves the sound of her own voice so trying to feed her can sometimes be a challenge all be it a fun one! she just kept spitting today when she was getting dinner so it ended up everywhere. she made me laugh so much and when i laugh, she laughs which also proved to be fun with food in her mouth!! i cant wait to teach her that shes not allowed to talk with her mouth full. it may make meal times slightly more boring but definitely cleaner.

i love my little life <3

noisy neighbours

i'm not the kind of person that goes about 'hating' people - but i really do despise my upstairs neighbours. they have zero respect for anyone, let alone themselves. i'm on the verge of calling the police its getting so bad. our landlord wont do anything, the antisocial behaviour people wont do anything. what else can i do?? today is the worst its been for a while and i eventually broke down in tears as it keeps getting worse and worse. i'm beside myself with what to do :( it got so bad that poor esme got such a fright and just burst into tears. i banged up to them but that just resulted in a banging match and i think i may have fractured my hand or something!! for now though ive just taken esme into a cuddle, put the mormon tabernacle choir into the cd player, turned it up to tune everything else out and i'm taking deep breaths...

aberdeen - i hate you sometimes

new rant - weather. especially this stupid aberdeen weather. one minute its sunny, then we have hail stones, then rain, then snow. all within 10 minutes. and the wind, dont even get me started on it. i was out walking with esme today and her big bulky pram almost blew over and when i got home i put my hair down, shook it a little and i actually had grit and leaves fall out of my hair. its crazy and its times like this that i really wish i lived back in glasgow. we never had insane weather like that there, especially not wind like it was today. ive never experienced anything like it in my life and that really is no joke!!

small rant over but only cause im too tired from all the wind fighting to type anymore...

dot dot dot

as i sit here and look at the mess i call my 'living room' i cant help but wonder will my life always be like this? i feel like there is so much getting on top of me and its affecting everything in my life. my attitude towards life, my relationships, my mood. everything. i have so much ironing to do and its begun to get me so down that i now just think that i should become a nudist or something just to cut down on the washing and ironing but the funny thing is that i have the least amount of stuff to be washed and ironed. it seems like there is so much to do and so little time to do it. i dont sleep much anymore, or eat. just because i honestly feel that i dont have the time. when did life become so complicated and busy? does it ever get easier? i had a think about it and i figure if i write it down it may be slightly easier to deal with so here goes.

washing, ironing, putting clothes away, nappy changes, feeds for esme, primary lessons, missionary meals, cooking, cleaning, shopping, bathing, general hygiene, cleaning includes floors, dishes, carpets (hoovering), bed making, windows, bathroom, tending to esme.

these are just a few of the things i feel i need to accomplish on a daily basis. it honestly makes me want to break down and cry sometimes. i know im going to be up in 3 hours with esme and to be honest, i just dont have the energy or sanity to cope :(

kodak moments

do you ever have a moment in your life when you think 'perfect... now where's my camera?' i had one of those kodak moments this morning. esme was up about 6.00 so i decided to let raymond tend to her while i went for a bath. i came out of the bath and there they were, lying on the bed reading the scriptures. it was adorable. she was just lying there listening to him while he read to her. it was at that moment that i realised just how much i love them both and just how much i wanted to improve as a mother and a wife.

esme is refusing to nap right now so i have decided to let her cry it out... does that make me a bad mother? i know she's tired but she's just refusing to sleep. it can be frustrating. any hints on how to get babies to nap?? some days she will go from 7am till 8.30pm without any sleep and it can really wear me down.

who are you and what have you done with my daughter?

it could very well be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse.... esme is asleep. this is such a big deal to me because she never sleeps during the day and if by any chance she does then its a 10 minute cat nap. in the time she has been asleep i have managed to tidy up (properly), watch a little bit of tv and even make and ice cup cakes (and give them to my neighbours too) and now ive decided to let the world know that i have a sleeping child. not only that but last night esme went to bed about 9.00 and i decided to go with her so i slept from 9.00 till 5.00 - it.was.INCREDIBLE! i feel great today and im really loving being at home with esme. she really is such a joy in my life. it really is true - mothers love to talk about their children. i love to talk about esme, even if it's just talking about her poop. i just want to tell the world how amazing she (and her poop) are.

why? because society said so.

ironing... i hate it. it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin and never return again. why do i have to leave the house with clean, pressed clothes? because society said so. 

washing my hair. the washing of it i dont mind, its the drying, straightening and everything else that goes along with it that i really cant be bothered with. it feels like such a task to wash your hair when you have a demanding 5 month old. why do i do it? because society said i cant go out looking like a stray turkish cat.

keep my house clean. well why cant i just never tidy up. i mean, i do love having a tidy house but its like i spend the day cleaning then i go into a different room for 5 seconds, come back in and the place looks like its been hit by a bomb. its unfair. i dont even know where the mess comes from. its like it actually grows out of the walls or something.

there are so many pressures put on people (especially women) in our society today. there are so many expectations and everyone seems to judge you even if they dont know you. i'll admit i do it myself. if i see someone in  the street and they look like they haven't showered for 6 years and they smell like a dead seahorse i do make judgement. i think to myself 'really, take some pride in yourself'. is that what people think when they look at me? when i dont have the energy to brush my hair and put on some mascara. but its unfair, i feel like as a woman i have to face some weird, messed up stereotype. i have to always have my makeup done, my hair perfectly cut and coloured, nails done and just generally be well groomed all the time. gone are the days when mothers can just go out in jogging bottoms, a holey t shirt and have their hair tied up with spaghetti hanging out it... i want to go out with spaghetti in my hair.

on the up side - me and raymond made some awesome ass bread at 3am this morning. check it out!

yes. it was 3am - thats why i look like this!

raymond and his new found love

never grow up.

as i sit here waiting for my bread to be ready, its 2.05am and recently its at times like this that i tend to do most of my thinking. i think about esme mostly. about what i want for her in life, about how i never want to lose any of the memories i have of her, how i want to make so many memories with her. i want her to stay forever perfect, forever young, forever innocent. i know she will be forever beautiful and i know that no matter what, no matter how tall or old she is she will always be my baby girl. there's a taylor swift song called never grow up and it puts me in mind of esme. some of the lyrics are:

your little hands wrapped around my finger,
and its so quiet in the world tonight,
your little eyelids flutter cause your dreaming,
so i tuck you in, turn on your favourite night light
to you everythings funny, you got nothing to regret,
i'd give all i have honey,
if you could stay like that

oh darling dont you ever grow up,
dont you ever grow up, just stay this little,
oh darling dont you ever grow up,
dont you ever grow up, it could stay this simple,
i wont let nobody hurt you, wont let no one break your heart,
and no one will desert you,
just try to never grow up, never grow up

thats just the first verse and chorus - oh how i wish we never had to grow up...

this is her beautiful smile that greets me every morning when i look into her crib <3

 

and this is her happy chocolate face!! hmm, am i a bad mother....?

p.s. on a slightly awesome note, my bread smells AMAZING and it looks pretty good too.

fishy friday

fishy friday. thats right - i had a fish pedicure today! what a strange experience this was. for those of you who dont know (which will be many as i dont tend to tell many people this) i have a slight phobia of fish. they creep me out. simple. well, as i was sitting there it finally hit me that there was a wee tank of fish just waiting to bite my feet off and this terrified me! i just couldn't do this. so i sat there for about 5 minutes but then the assistant told me she was starting the timer anyway so i bravely dunked my feet in. my initial reaction was to yank them out - this was totally unnatural, not to mention extremely tickley, but i stuck it out for 15 minutes. i have to say that by the time my 15 minutes were up i wanted another 15 so thats exactly what i did!

i have to say - it was worth it and i cant wait for my next fishy friday!

stress.

stress. its a killer. i really, honestly, truly hate it. well maybe hate is not a strong enough word - i think detest is probably more appropriate. i will warn you this is a rant so if you dont want to hear about it then just skip now. 

esme really knows how to get my back up sometimes. dont get me wrong i love her and wouldnt be without her but she has cried from 9am till 2pm today and i really dont think i knew what hit me. there has been a lot of tears both mine and hers. a lot of different emotions and frustration and at 2pm she finally fell asleep however i will have to continue this rant another day as its 2.30pm and there are more tears coming from the bedroom - not a very long nap.

please keep me in your prayers... i'll most definitely need them.

a letter for esme

okay, so i know its not the best thing to think about but for some reason this plays on my mind - what if something happened to me? what if i didnt get to see esme grow up? what would i miss out on? her first words, her baptism, her wedding day, her children... i know all these things are way in advance but life goes by so quickly that its frightening and lets be honest, you never know what is around the corner. what would i say to her the second before she was about to walk down the isle on the morning of her wedding? what comfort and advice would i give her if she is ever in doubt about something? would i be the kind of mother that would be able to support her in everything that she does? will i grow more patient with her the older she gets? what would our relationship be like in 10 years time? will she remember all the wrong things i did and forget all the right things? i know it may sound silly but its things like this that cross my mind before i go to sleep at night. will she know how much i love her if im not around to tell her...

id like to think so. i know i need to be more patient, more loving, more gentle and kind but the good thing is that because i know what i need to be better at it means that i can take the correct steps to ensure that i am becoming a more patient, loving, kind person and a better mother. so this is what i would say to my baby girl if i wasnt around to tell her tomorrow:

my dearest esme,

i love you. i love you more than you will ever know. you are my world. i want you to know that you are so precious and incredible to me, i want you to always reach your potential. you are such a joy and a blessing in my life and you bring me such happiness and laughter every single day. your smile could light the world so you need to let it shine. please sweetheart, be kind, patient, loving, loyal, friendly, bubbly, smart, honest, happy and true to yourself but more importantly just be yourself - dont you ever hide away. you are so beautiful. i want to be with you and share every moment of your life. i want to laugh with you and cry with you. i want to wipe away your happy tears and your sad tears. please follow the Prophet, study your scriptures and pray. you are entitled to so many blessings and you are such a special daughter of God. find a worthy man that can take you to the Temple and be sealed to you. you deserve this. serve the Lord and please be a better person than me. always speak words of kindness and respect. work hard and serve others but remember that in order to serve we not only have to provide service but we have to accept it too. when i think about just how much i love you it makes me want to cry. i love you so much that i feel like my heart is going to explode! every day you amaze me more and more and i love you more and more every day. there is so much that i want to be able to say to you but i just cannot find the right words to express how much you mean to me. i cant wait for the day that i can take you to the Temple, i want to be there for your sealing, i want to see you have beautiful children and i want to see that fantastic mother that i know you will be but before all that i want to see you walk, talk, be baptised, give your first talk in sacrament, bear your testimony. i want to see you on the morning of your very first day of school. i want to hear about your teachers and your friends. i want to know all your favourites and memorise the smell of your hair and the touch of your skin. sometimes i want to just pause time and capture a single moment with you forever. just always remember that no matter what the Lord is only a prayer away and He will always be there for you and so will i.

i love you. all my love forever and always.

mummy xxx

a woman's work is never done.... but a man's clearly is!

its 1am... im exhausted and raymond is asleep on the couch cause he claims to be tired. i wish i had a day like his. its not that he doesn't work hard cause he does - after all he 'brings home the bacon' so to speak. but you know, he gets his morning break and then his lunch break and then maybe even an afternoon break too, who knows! this has been my day so far (it was an easy one).

it all started about 9am when i arose from bed (and what a nice wee snooze it was may i add), about 10 minutes after that esme woke up. i went into the bedroom, played with her till about 9.30 (give or take 5 minutes), came into the living room, fed her - that took me up till about 10.30. shortly after that i lay her on her play mat so i could get some house work done - she had other ideas. i managed to get the bed made and then had to come into the living room to get her and keep her entertained. i played with her, read her a story book and i fed her again about 11.45, just in time for lunch as she wont eat her lunch if she is too hungry, she fed will about 12.00 then happily played till about 12.20 at which point i put her lunch on so it was ready and cooled by 12.30. 12.30 came and went and she then sat in her high chair eating a rusk till 1.00. dum dum dum - the dreaded nap time :( i spent just under an hour getting her to nap. she napped till about 2.40 during which time i cleaned the bathroom and finished the kitchen and living room. so she got up and i fed her yet again. about 3.10 i caught up on some ironing while esme watched some playhouse disney - mickey mouse and your wee club house, I LOVE YOU!! thank you for letting me get ironing done :) this took me till about 4.00 so i then put on esme's dinner and let it cool till about 4.10. fed her and let her play about till about 5.00 then she was screaming so i gave her another boob just to calm her down and it worked like a charm. raymond got in from work about 5.40 with some beautiful flowers and chocolates. i put tea on, before i knew it it was esme's bath time, bathed her, fed her and put her down to bed. had a shower - can i relax? dont think so. during the day i had been doing washing - i think i may have put on about 5 loads so this all had to be hung up and dried, dinner dishes done and then about 11pm i started on esme's bedroom - raymond helped pack away her things. we came through to the living room back of 12 to grab a yoghurt and then about 12.30 he declared he was tired and going to sleep. i unloaded the washing machine about 12.50 and put on another load. i now want my bed (and a day like raymonds!!)

im kerplunked.

isn't weaning fun!

i have started the weaning process with esme and let me tell you - i've never in my entire life seen so much mess from one little person!! its actually ridiculous. she seems to have on and off days where for one whole week she loves her food and then suddenly she gives you this look of "dont think so. you're not sticking that in my mouth" it can get frustrating but i just look at the fun memories it will create and not at the horrendous pile of laundry i have to do, besides laundry is what husbands are made for... isnt it?

just last week i thought i would try her out with some spinach and cheese concoction. well let me tell you thats the last time she's ever getting that! just as i put it in her mouth she decided it was time for a sneeze and it went everywhere. to make matters worse its bright green, looks like some weird snot or poop and wont come out of anything - even on a 90 wash. any ideas how to get it out?! i sure dont. today was fun too as so much of it seemed to end up in her hair. how it got there i have no idea.

sleeping...

were trying to get her into a routine of sleeping at night which means that raymond and myself dont sleep at night. thats fun. our health visitor rosie said that by 5 months she should be sleeping through the night but she tends to get up once or twice for a small feed then goes back down again. rosie said the best way to break this cycle is just for raymond to get up, put her dummy in, make no interaction with her and then just come back to bed. apparently its not good for me to do it because she associates me with food so poor raymond was up and down all last night. lunch time naps are still a little difficult for me and she just doesn't want to do them so its crying from about 1.00 till 2.00 then she sleeps for about 40 minutes. well, im trying my best.

p.s. i've officially given up on bibs.